William Russian Jr.
At a raucous press conference today it was announced that Wild Bill’s Anti-Terrorist Weapons Emporium and Range will open shortly after the first of the year following a lengthy and eventful application process. The business is drawing fire from the Muslim community who portray the business as a blatant attempt to disrupt their plans of educating the general public that the worship of Islam is a peaceful endeavor. Their primary complaint is that the location of the gun shop and range next to the proposed Mosque only inflames the already strained relationships between the two communities.
“That’s an absolute falsehood,” stated William ‘Wild Bill’ Wesson the store’s colorful proprietor. “The 2nd amendment affords all Americans the right to purchase, keep, practice and bear arms. We’re simply exercising that right and it’s unfortunate that the Cordoba Institute chose that particular location for their center. They could have picked any spot in the borough but they chose that one. Had they checked the public records first they would have recognized that we submitted our application eleven months prior to theirs.” When a reporter asked Wesson if the approval of the Mosque’s location might prompt him to relocate his business Wesson responded with a terse, “Absolutely not. What better place to educate Americans on the evils of radical Islamists than downtown New York?”
The reaction from New Yorkers is divided with those favoring the gun shop the most vocal of the groups. Comments ranged from incendiary indignation to curious caution. “I don’t see the problem,” stated one Manhattan model that goes by the name Misty. “So what if some boys with their big toys want to play with them? I’ve handled a lot of nine’s in my day and the sales guys at Bill’s showed me the proper way to grip them so they don’t accidentally or prematurely discharge.” Then there are those such as former Texan Milton Munnchack who relocated to the Big Apple to escape the illegal immigrant invasion in his home state. “My friends all call me Pork Chop,” Munnchack proudly offered. “Ya’ all just don’t get it up here just yet. Back home we learned the hard way that if you don’t stop the weeds before they take root you’ll never get rid of them. Wild Bill’s allows me some time at lunch hour to practice my close quarter’s combat skills so I can be an effective citizen fighting off the evils of terrorism.”
Munnchack’s perspective is the one that concerns the Cordoba Initiatives leaders the most. “We don’t understand how an operating gun store and practice facility can be built next to a Mosque. This is America and they could well have elected to build this anyplace other than here,” said founder Iman Feisal Abdul Rauf. “We realize that they are protected by the 2nd amendment but common sense tells us that this is purposely inflammatory and an insult to practicing Muslims. They’re twisting the Constitution to suit their agenda and not showing any respect to the Muslims that were killed in the 9/11 attacks!”
Rauf may be on to something. One of Rauf’s trusted colleagues (this person wished to have his identity remain anonymous and asked that we refer to him as ‘Tom’) suggested that there is more to Wild Bill’s than meets the eye. “Don’t you find it ironic that the hand grenade classes take place during our afternoon prayers?” questioned ‘Tom’. “Moreover, the training room and our prayer room will be no more than a few inches away from one another.”
“He’s absolutely dead on. Our hand grenade training with live rounds will coincide with their afternoon prayer time,” retorted Wesson. “It’s unfortunate but the reality is, that is the time most urban New Yorkers get off work and have a window between their profession and Happy Hour to practice eradicating terrorism. The fact the prayer and training rooms share an adjacent wall is a quirk of the facilities design. That wall is fire retardant and a foot thick and will have no issue with absorbing the blasts. Most likely there will be muffled explosions on the prayer side of the wall but what’s the big deal? Should make them feel right at home. Besides, we’re restricting our training devices to Flash/Bangs and not concussion grenades so that should cut down on the noise”.
Wesson elaborated on many concerns posed to him at the press conference including some oft asked questions concerning the overall safety of the facility for its patrons. Yes, there will be multiple Nike-Hercules anti-aircraft missiles mounted in custom designed cement bunkers on Wild Bill’s roof. “What? Are you nuts? Of course, this is New York. Name another U.S. city besides DC that has been attacked by air? Pearl Harbor doesn’t count because Hawaii wasn’t even a state at the time”. Wesson also confirmed Heather LaCroix would be teaching some classes once a month at Wild Bill’s. “Heather is an All-American gal and her body of work is unparalleled in our industry. Her classes book well in advance and she’s highly sought after. Just like women’s golf Heather has proven beyond a doubt that she doesn’t let her breasts interfere with her ability to take aim. I for one am always at full attention when I watch her videos. She’s so popular even her Turkey Necks and Gator Balls cooking class is standing room only”. Wesson did stop short of guaranteeing the Unabomber IUD making classes will be held as originally planned. “We teach anti-terrorism techniques and we’re not convinced this is appropriate to our overall curriculum. We’re leaning towards additional Jihadist or Juggler? terrorist identification classes as they might be more topical and relevant”.
William Wesson was a little less intellectual and more politically correct when we cornered him near the future location of the Flamethrower Bar and Grill. The full service restaurant is being constructed on the third floor of Wild Bill’s and is facing the street with sweeping views of the activity outside. “This is going to be perfect. What an ideal spot to hang out after vaporizing some Bin Laden targets with a Sypder Pro III Arctic laser. Good ole Ham and American Cheese sandwiches, greasy fries and our signature Atom Bomb hot wings”. Wesson paused, took a long sip from his third Molotov Cocktail and then followed with, “Not only that but where else can you sit quaffing a Budweiser while working on your racial profiling skills? I mean come on, look who our neighbors are. I’ll never understand why they have their hijabs all in a wad but I think it has to do with Sherry’s Law.”
We wandered down to the local corner store after meeting with Wesson to relay his remarks to our new friend ‘Tom’ to gauge his reaction. We were seeking an opinion that reflected exactly how the Muslim community felt about the perception of Americans toward their culture. In between selling Shisha tobacco products and “I Know Where Bin Laden is Hiding” t-shirts Tom refudiated Wesson’s statements, “My hijab isn’t in a wad!” he exclaimed.
Meanwhile, after months of silence on the subject, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs issued the following statement:
“President Obama wants the citizens of the world to know that he fully endorses Wild Bill’s Anti-Terrorist Weapons Emporium and Range and is a begrudging supporter of the 2nd amendment. Furthermore he wishes to see what political backlash this position causes so he can sleep on it and adjust his perspective in this critical election year.”
It seems like just yesterday little Malia was asking, “Did you plug that hole yet daddy?” and now her next question might well be “Daddy, can I sight my AR-15 if I’m wearing a Burqa?”
In spite of all the distasteful dialogue we came away from our visit duly impressed with the foresight and thoughtfulness William Wesson has invested in his vision of a world without terrorism. I signed up for the February Valentine’s Day Massacre Weekend Retreat and will report back on the experience next spring. The weekend includes hands on pistol skills, water-boarding for fun and profit, reloading with nitro and my personal favorite; a two hour breakout session titled Getting Horizontal with Heather: Shooting Your Load from the Sniper Position.
William Russian Jr.