There are a lot of responsibilities with being a parent to a teenager these days and one of those is understanding what our kids are facing. I’m a product of the Lost Generation or those of us born between the baby boomers and Generation X. Our parents were more concerned about the draft, Viet Nam and the transition of government after JFK. We surreptitiously snuck in there; the Lost Generation, free to develop our own culture replete with large imaginations and not shackled by the confines of prurient thoughts. We put a man on the moon ~ we can do anything.
We also experimented freely with drugs. Remember Bill Clinton’s infamous “I didn’t inhale”? Yeah, sure. And he didn’t snort cocaine either he was just hiding it in his nostrils. If we’re honest with ourselves we weren’t doing anything our kids won’t be doing. Herbs, fungi, synthetics ……who am I kidding here…..we tried all the basic food groups. I vaguely remember rappelling down Devils Chin at 2:00 in the morning with all sense of time and space masked by peyote. There can be a very fine line between illusion and delusion.
Which segues us to the salvia. If you haven’t heard about this stuff I’d recommend reading up on it as this plant and its extracts are legal in the majority of the states. You can buy it at 7-11 and it’s marketed as incense right alongside K2 the synthetic marijuana. Incense? Right!
So what do I do? I did what any good dad would do and bought some yesterday to try myself while she spent the night at her friends. My parental experiment would have gone much better had I understood the relationship between the size of the bowl and the strength of the salvia. Bowl size is subjective such as the difference between a dessert bowl and salad serving bowl. Probably of more importance is Salvia’s strength rating system. Salvia is rated by ‘X’ factors such as x1, x2, x5 and so forth. Think of it like alcohol proof. Having grown up in a society of ‘if a little is good more must be better’ I naturally bought 40x. Big mistake.
I prepared the bedroom after piecing together information found on the web; quiet dark room, no anticipated interruptions and hid from myself all the weapons and ammo in the house. The latter wasn’t in any of the instructions but the last thing I needed were headlines in tomorrow’s paper reading “Naked Crazed Lunatic Roams Quiet Neighborhood Armed with 12 Guns, a Machete and a VHS Copy of Barney’s Great Adventure” Once I’d mentally prepared myself I loaded the bong bowl full and took one gigantic hit, laid down, held it and exhaled. The last thing I remembered thinking was “I don’t feel anything”
Seconds afterward I felt a hot flash pulsing through my system as if I’d been struck by lightning. My mind reached into an area I didn’t know existed. I was transported through the galaxies at warp speed. The digital clock and DVD lights appeared as nebulae and seemed at once to be both near and unreachable. I had visions that could only be constructed by abnormal brains cells linked together simultaneously by forces far greater than logic. The quietness was deafening. I was thrashing and screaming (I think) in a mad attempt to escape this unfolding nightmare. I was the kitten chasing a ping-pong ball in the bathtub. This was pure hell and I was Satan.
What seemed like hours were mere minutes. In my post-experiment haze all I could liken the experience to was a living breathing version of Edgar Allen Poe’s The Raven. Poe had his absinthe and our children have salvia and having partaken of absinthe in Europe I can assure you Poe had the better end of the deal. I’m tolerant of a lot of things but this stuff should be illegal like stealthy Mexican immigrants.
I can only hope and pray my daughter never succumbs to the temptation of trying this ‘incense’. I’d read somewhere this stuff doesn’t show up in drug tests. I’d also read no one had ever died using it.
Quoth the Raven. Nevermore.
“I wouldn’t recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they’ve always worked for me” ~ Hunter S. Thompson